


golden

by danhoweiis



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Introspection, M/M, amazingphil has feelings, shock horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-17 05:34:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16510322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danhoweiis/pseuds/danhoweiis
Summary: he knew that this was different. That something about whatever this turned out to be, was different. And Phil wanted to hold onto that feeling, lock it up and keep it safe in a box where it couldn’t escape-aka phil has some Thoughts with a capital T





	golden

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the song golden by hippo campus

_why is it i want to change for you?_   
_why is it i want to see this through?_   
_maybe i'm sick of sleeping longer nights with lesser feelings_

_-_

He’d never felt this before. This intensity of feelings that came rushing through his body whenever he thought about Dan. There was something intoxicating about the way Dan’s eyes lit up whenever he looked at him. The way his whole body seemed to relax as he hugged him. This was the first time in Phil’s life that he felt someone had truly depended on him. And not in a unhealthy way like you read about in stories, where people lose themselves in the other person and don’t know who they are anymore. No. This was different, like he had to be a better person, a stronger person. Dan made him want to be better. And it was a Friday night in January, when Dan was lying next to him sound asleep, that thoughts rushed round Phil’s brain.

Why was Dan different? What was special about Dan that had made Phil completely rethink how he acted? Why did he want to change himself for Dan? Not necessarily in a bad way, there was just something about Dan’s aura, as his grandma would say, something about the light that Dan gave off that made Phil grin, made his body feel light and made him want to be this perfect specimen of a human being that Dan thought he was.

Just last night Dan had said, as they were falling asleep, that Phil was the kindest person he had ever met. The little voice in the back of Phil’s head disagreed, told him Dan was just saying that to be nice. But when Dan then reeled off a list of examples, how Phil had helped an old lady in Tesco earlier that day, helped his mum out by tidying up the kitchen and washing the dishes so she wouldn’t have to Phil slowly started to think, maybe Dan was right? And it was that thought that began to grow in Phil’s mind, he wanted to do more things like that, and become this kind, helpful person Dan thought he was.

He’d only ever had short relationships, his first one lasting a grand total of 2 weeks in high school. Him and Dan had only been together for 4 months at this point but when he thought about making plans with Dan, a holiday in April, trips to the beach in summer, spending Christmas together, he knew that this was different. That something about whatever this turned out to be, was different. And Phil wanted to hold onto that feeling, lock it up and keep it safe in a box where it couldn’t escape. Because whilst this was new and exciting, it terrified him. He was terrified he was going to blink and this would all disappear. Which was why he opened up that box occasionally to check it was still there. Check this wasn’t all some dream and that Dan was actually here beside him.

When Dan had entered his life, Phil rarely talked about his thoughts or feelings. Yet to find that one person  he felt truly 100% comfortable around to share his weirdest thoughts with. And feelings? That was a whole other story. It wasn’t that he bottled things up, he just didn’t like to burden other people with his worries and anxious thoughts. That they all had their own things to be worried about and if Phil shared his thoughts then that would be another thing for them to worry about and Phil didn’t like that. The last thing he wanted in life was to be a burden to the people he was closest too.

He thinks back now, that was probably why coming out to his mum was the single most anxious filled conversation he had ever had. He had never felt more exposed and he hated it. The thoughts that he knew without doubt his mum would be accepting were shadowed by a black cloud of worry and doubt that she would judge him and kick him onto the street. (Of course she didn’t and she was quite possibly in line for most accepting mother of their gay son award 2008.) Which was why when he started talking to Dan, and Dan talked with such ease about his worries and his 3am thoughts that kept him awake, something compelled Phil to do the same. And with each passing day Phil opened up more to Dan. They would stay up until 2am, talking about things they had both kept bottled up for so long but could now finally share. Phil didn’t even mind that he only got 5 hours of sleep those nights, because he was sharing parts of himself that had never seen the light of day before. And that cloud of doubt and worry that Dan would judge him slowly faded away and Dan became the one person Phil knew he could turn to when he was filled with worry and that Dan would be there with an open heart and a smile on his face, ready to listen.

He didn’t know where they would be in 3 months let alone 3 years, but a small part of Phil wanted to see this through. See where the months and years could take them and if these feelings would diminish or if they would grow stronger. He turned to look at Dan now, curled up asleep in _his_ bed. He knew Dan would disagree and call him ridiculous but Phil knew his life has become brighter since Dan had wriggled his way into it. Where before Phil drifted along, the days rushing by him. Dan had made Phil want to embrace each day, make it the best it could be. And Phil wanted that, he wanted each day to glow brighter than the last and he knew that with Dan around, he’d never have a dull day again.

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first sort of Official and Proper introspection type fic and i'm really proud of it tbh so kudos and comments and the like are much appreciated <3


End file.
